What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 17:26
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When she asked me how she looked .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i do to all so called friends.?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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Ive learnt so much.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She found it foreign!.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Can humans drink battery water?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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I said to her
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I have no regrets .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was very sick at this time too.
We were not on the streets..
She was in good health!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Is having white skin really that attractive?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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I was scared of men, in general
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I waited trembling.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My life is so biszare .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
(And it was in our own minds.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She married twice! .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im still living with it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
All the time i was locked up.
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It was going to be , some day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He resisted the act ,that day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But it wasn’t much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One cannot live in the past .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I don,t even have a pension.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I will be 64.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
What did i know ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
On the 31st of Jan this month .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She loved him until the end.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Who then, do I blame.?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My family never makes their pension either.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Put me off passion for life!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was 9 years of age.
Would this be the day?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Comes on , in middle age.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
This is soul school!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why did i forgive my father ?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i lived it daily.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So, i spoilt her more .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I never cut or harmed myself..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I think the readers, may guess!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So whats the point in blame.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He knew the spot.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She wouldn,t have been !
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was seconnd youngest,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We all went to grammer schools
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.